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Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
2:06 pm
O wild West Wind, thou breath of Autumn's being,
Thou, from whose unseen presence the leaves dead
Are driven, like ghosts from an enchanter fleeing.

Yellow and black, and pale, and hectic red,
Pestilence-stricken multitudes: O Thou,
Who chariotest them to their dark wintry bed

The winged seeds, where they lie cold and low,
Each like a corpse within its grave, until
Thine azure sister of the Spring shall blow

Her clarion o'er the dreaming earth, and fill
(Driving sweet buds like flocks to feed in air)
With living hues and odors plain and hill;

Wild Spirit, which art moving everywhere;
Destroyer and Preserver; hear, O hear!

Thou on whose stream, mid the steep sky's commotion,
Loose clouds like earth's decaying leaves are shed,
Shook from the tangled boughs of Heaven and Ocean.

Angels of rain and lightning: there are spread
On the blue surface of thine aery surge,
Like the bright hair uplifted from the head

Of some fierce Maenad, even from the dim verge
Of the horizon to the zenith's height,
The locks of the approaching storm. Thou dirge

Of the dying year, to which this closing night
Will be the dome of a vast sepulcher,
Vaulted with all thy congregated might

Of vapors, from whose solid atmosphere
Black rain, and fire, and hail will burst: O hear!

Thou who didst waken from his summer dreams
The blue Mediterranean, where he lay,
Lulled by the coil of his chrystalline streams

Beside a pumice isle in Baiae's bay,
And saw in sleep old palaces and towers
Quivering within the wave's intenser day,

All overgrown with azure moss and flowers
So sweet, the sense faints picturing them! Thou
For whose path the Atlantic's level powers

Cleave themselves into chasms, while far below
The sea-blooms and the oozy woods which wear
The sapless foliage of the ocean, know

Thy voice, and suddenly grow gray with fear,
And tremble and despoil themselves: O hear!

If i were a dead leaf thou mightest bear;
If i were a swift cloud to fly with thee;
A wave to pant beneath thy power, and share

The impulse of thy strength, only less free
Than thou, O Uncontrollable! If even
I were as in my boyhood, and could be

The comrade of thy wanderings over Heaven,
As then, when to outstrip thy skiey speed
Scarce seemed a vision; i would ne'er have striven

As thus with thee in prayer in my sore need.
Oh, lift me as a wave, a leaf, a cloud!
I fall upon the thorns of life! i bleed!

A heavy weight of hours has chained and bowed
One too like thee: tameless, and swift, and proud.

Make me thy lyre, even as the forest is:
What if my leaves are falling like its own!
The tumult of thy mighty harmonies

Will take from both a deep, autumnal tone.
Sweet though in sadness. Be thou, Spirit fierce,
My spirit! Be thou me, impetuous one!

Drive my dead thoughts over the universe
Like withered leaves to quicken a new birth
And, by the incantation of this verse,

Scatter, as from an unextinguished hearth
Ashes and sparks, my words among mankind!
Be through my lips to unawakened earth

The trumpet of a prophecy! O Wind,
If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?

~Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
2:22 pm
well matt an i got a box to live in. two-bedroom duplex in pueblo west. it's kinda cute i guess...very 70s brown all over, garage, backyard, washer/dryer, dishwasher, fireplace. did i mention two bedrooms? cuz there's two bedrooms. we move in wednesday i guess.
matt says that his new home depot is good. i'm glad he likes it. he says he's doing well with god and stuff so that's good. at this point in my mind i'm seeing if he'll be okay when i'm gone.
figuring out what i'd take this time...what i have to pay for before i go...all the things i did in FL all over again. sux. and i don't feel like anyone understands.
...and once i hold on...i never let go till it bleeds...~stone sour
i tried everything, but like one of my friends pointed out, it can't be done alone. it took me leaving for him to realize. but people don't understand what me leaving took. whatever i had to kill to walk away, isn't coming back imo. amy says she'll kick my ass if i leave, as does kristy... several women around me are desperate for this to work, i think maybe because they know how tolerant and caring i am, and that if jenn can't make it work, can anyone? i would like to think that everyone is an individual, and that anything is possible. or...perhaps i would just like them to think that lol. sux that it's more than just me and matt...i have to worry about hurting and disillusioning several people. but i don't know what else to do, same as before. i don't see any other way around it than out. matt keeps saying "god is going to change your heart." that pisses me off. not at god, but at people that are so damn sure of "GOD SPOKE TO ME THUSLY." become a fortune teller then. it just seems too much like people hear what they want to hear from god, you know? and of course it's seriously un-kosher (giggle) to cast suspicions on anyone's divine revalations, but...change my heart how? will it be in matt's favor? anyways. i'm sure i sound like a bitterness-consumed back-slidden agnostic to most of my readers, and i can't help that. i probably am. all i know is that i have nothing left to give to this relationship, and i resent the fact that matt is oh-so-present NOW, and demanding that i be as well. two things run through my mind whenever he spews one of his presently perpetual "i LOVE you"s...WHY NOW and F*CK YOU. it's like every time he says it it's a guilt trip. "oh well i'm here to love you...you should return it now..." i dunno why i'm posting all this for everyone to see. guess i'll shut up now.
...it's not fair, it's not fair...now i'm coming up for air...~gwen stefani

current mood: pessimistic

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Monday, January 31st, 2005
6:49 pm
set night-confusion 22 as my desktop background, and meditated on the warm brown lotus shape of it. the tao says that we should be as water, not trying to move the rocks in our path, but rather going around them, over them, etc. As Dan says, "That's my shit." i feel as tho i were on morphine again, only it occasionally runs out and i feel the stabs of pain that remind me why i'm on it. i am better at pretending than i want to be, better at soliciting the affections of people i do not care for, building relationships that mean nothing to me, and acquiescing to the whims of condescending morons than i want to be. Rob is right, i spend too much time thinking about them, what they think, whether they care. i obsess over it.
moving. carrying my home on my back like Lyra's irish turtle that sits on my dash...has enlightened me. what are my "addictions"--things i could probably live without but choose not to?

~ my books: it's driving me insane to not have them. "what's the opposite of hyperbole?" Harmon/Holman would know...too bad my Handbook to Literature is 2000 miles away.
...in my field of paper flowers...(evanescence)

~ internet access. where i live. is that so bad? a phone line would work...i just need to be able to look things up and make contact with people that are as reclusive as myself.
...i've been...disconnected...someone pulled the plug...(goo goo dolls)

~ a soft bed -- i feel like the princess and the pea, but i can't sleep as much as i need to when it hurts.
...are you waking up slowly...nothing but lonely...are you waking up holding your breath...(our lady peace)

~ hot water! i can go a couple days but then...and i want enough to shave with! this 4min30sec business is just madness! i swear they have a 3 gallon water heater that's outside. inconceivable! i'll just have to find myself a new shower, that's all.
...welcome to the jungle baby...(guns 'n' roses)

~ a decent kitchen. i know...it seems like a luxury, but i get to the point where i'm like, "i'm not eating this crap anymore. i can make better." but if there's nowhere to make better, i simply starve.
...c'mon a my house i'm gonna give you figs and dates and grapes and a cake...(rosemary clooney)

~ alone time: apparently can't live without it.
...cuz i'm An-ti-so-cial, an-ti-so-cial...(screwdriver)

~ did i say music? or was that implied?
...ooo thas my shit thas my shit...(gwen stefani)

current mood: indifferent

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Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
12:58 pm
what's worth trading time for? the only currency that cannot be renewed...
a friend said, and i agree, "knowledge and compassion"
is my current "pissed and bitter" getting me any closer to "knowledge and compassion"? i think not. rather it causes me to attempt to trade the currency of time for the drug of forgetfulness...in whatever form it may come today. but, as tho it were concrete...this "i don't care" gets more solid by the day...actually by the morning, when i wake up and contemplate further the futility of rising. it's a good thing i'm not aurora.
i don't fit in. it's a glorious release, if not freedom (i'm convinced there's no such thing). i don't have to try to be normal, because i'm not like them. i never can be. i can be the best me i can be, but that's it. sounds trite, but it's more lonely than anything else.
finished walden, civil disobedience, and walking. i think my philosophies line up w/ thoreau's more than anyone i've read so far. "good shit" as dan says. i've even got him reading it! i'm such a teacher. they say you can't ever NOT be what you are, even if you try (or don't try). i doubt that, but it's true for me because i seek truth. seeking truth leads you to live truth. and the truth is, i'm a teacher.
so. i'm looking for a critical essay to write about some work of literature, preferably british. i have to submit at least 10 pages of such an essay to most graduate schools. also take the gre, and for UNM the subject gre...money money money (and no pressure at all). application fees, cover letters, transcripts, reccomendation requests...it seems to me that all this is just the beginning of a lot of trivia should i pursue this path. the path i WANT to pursue leads up a mountain with someone who will notice me to live contendedly in the woods. i decided yesterday that i'd like to get up in the morning to build a fire to boil water for coffee (that or a viking range...hmm).
the cruelty of love never ceases to amaze me.
(my apologies to you all who are happy; my view is as skewed as your own, i'm afraid.)

current mood: apathetic

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Monday, December 27th, 2004
1:00 pm
*comes out from hiding, sortof*
is it over?
i had a great day on christmas, and yes, alone! it was very liberating, actually, no tense, unwanted social interactions. mom sent me a box...full of stuff i dont need especially right now when i just "finished" simplifying. but, she sent me nuts. that's a big deal. not to her probably, but it is to me. she stayed up all night making crap like that for everyfckingbody on the planet but her own family my whole life. nuts...she sent me nuts...i'm a person...an individual...
i made christmas dinner for jerry and i...we both hate the holiday but love food, so, you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater i guess. the whole thing. a chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole (really good w a bit o cap'n btw), rolls, an punkin pah. *takes another bite of the pie, that i'm havin for bfast w coffee*
and i did keep one tradition...the huge crash on the 26. i felt like crap all day, and desperate for something exciting to look forward to...finding nothing really.
i might try to find a job just out of boredom. i usually get bored before i run completely out of money, so. hate hate hate having to be somewhere at a certain time, tho...and i'm reading Walden...doesn't help w motivation to join societies ranks of the "normal."
oh, yeah... i got Walden for christmas, along w/ a couple james joyce books, le morte d'arthur, chronicles of narnia, and a compilation called "the malcontents: the best bitter, cynical, and satirical writing in the world." so i'm reading.

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Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
2:35 pm
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
Jennifer
Jenn
Niffer

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
daisybright
paleautumnwood
shadowjade

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
My intelligence
My good taste
My depth

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
My insecurity
My ditziness
My lack of motivation

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
Irish
Scottish
English

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
Dumb bitches, or worse, those that pretend to be dumb
Algebra
Life

THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
morons
alarmclocks, and other enslavement devices
popular fiction

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
people
error
chaos

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
penandnotebook
my books
my car

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
my black silk-an-cashmere sweater
my headphones
my heart on my sleeve

THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
penandnotebook
cds
shorter oxford english dictionary

THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
sigh.
coffee for here, please.
um, okay...

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:
Greenday
Nine Inch Nails
AC/DC

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
Minsitry "jesus built my hotrod"
Velvet Revolver "slither"
Greenday "boulevard of broken dreams" <--my current themesong

THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:
Dan
Amy
Quicksilver (well. that's my car.)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS:
intelligent
compassionate
fascinating

THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
implicit understanding
deep conversations
passion

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
um, about men in general:
more laid-back than women, not as complicated
straightforward with any expressions of sentiment, etc.
different = interesting to me

about a love-interest:
deep eyes
strong arms
pretty words

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU:
i love "stealing" movies (ocean's 11, italian job, etc.)
i try to read peoples minds
i am an iceberg

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
live in one place for too long
go without my books
answer phones for a living

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
playing bass guitar
cooking
camping

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
peace
my own place w/ internet
to wander

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
writer
professor
vampire

THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
tahiti
japan
scotland (but i'd stay, so)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
i had a list when i was 12.
drive
go to college
have sex
so, now...um, check.
and because of a quiz i'm supposed to come up w life goals? sigh.
i want to travel the world
i want to know everything
i want to find the secret of peace
how's that?

THREE PIECES OF ADVICE YOU CAN SHARE:
optimism is for masochists
find the truth buried in the lies
don't ignore your inner self

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